Series Finale: Men, Women & Relationships – An Objective Approach towards the battle between the sexes.

It’s been several light years since I last blogged. Trust me; I am going nuts at work. Projects and Deliverables keeps coming two after two, and its really a miracle that I managed to survive. I hit the mud with the last post. The audience to who I wrote did not stumble across. Though it is bugging, life has to go on.

Now, to the issue at hand: The final part series of the battle between the sexes. Now, I have come across various articles about the battle and decided to add them here along with my own thoughts. I hope you all enjoy this series. It can be quite log, so feel free to fluff your pillows once a while and do drop in your comments. I also understand that I have hyped up the title as Series Finale. Nevertheless, it took so much research and so much time to put my thoughts together to arrive at this. So I think its acceptable.

As usual, statutory warning:

Most importantly, this post contains words and phrases which are not suitable for children. If you are less than 18 years old, please don’t read this post.

All feminists and extreme feminists, please keep away from this post. The author will not be held responsible for any statements he makes here. So go sod off. In this post, I am going to continue talking about relationships. The problem each couple faces when in a relationship. I am about to share my experience with all of you about what I learnt.

The other day, I was trying to put my thoughts together on the battle when I received this mail from one of my friends. Thought I d share this with all of you.

Here's a prime example of the battle between the sexes offered by an English professor at an American University. In-class Assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new form called tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story and email it your partner and copy me in that mail. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

STORY:
Rebecca: At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him, too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
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Carl: Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
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Rebecca: He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped it’s pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
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Carl: Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
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Rebecca: This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
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Carl: Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
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Rebecca: Asshole.
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Carl: Bitch.
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Rebecca: Fuck you – You Neanderthal!
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Carl: Go drink some tea – Slutty Whore
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Professor: A + ……….. I really liked this one.
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I found that really funny. The way men and women think so differently from one another. The difference is so shocking that it does amuse you.

Pros and Cons of Being a Man or Woman

Now you need to keep in mind that while there are exceptions to the pros and cons that are linked with being a man or a woman, stereotypes generally spring from a version of reality and are believed to exist for a reason. And it is based on these stereotypes that certain expectations are put on all persons, whether rightly or wrongly, in accordance with their gender. Considering this, experts have now come up with a list of pros and cons of being a man or a woman, reports The Dominion Post.

The list is as under:

Pros of being a woman

1. Better legs. Women have really sexy legs and a man can never get over it.

2. After divorce, women hold up much better than most men.

3. Women can get away with crying.

4. Much more interesting clothing and accessory options. A woman can wear a saree as well as trousers, shirts and suites.

5. Women can multi-task.

6. Women have higher pain thresholds.

Cons of being a woman

1. Getting paid 20 per cent less than men on average to do the same job. (This scenario is now changing)

2. Expectation that they'll be manicured, primped and preened to a high degree at all times.

3. Menstruation.

4. Child birth.

5. When men gossip it's "networking", when women talk it's "bitching".

6. Pressure to have children thanks to a ticking biological clock.

Pros of being a man

1. Men can take a leak anywhere they like.

2. Men's bodies don't give them weird mood swings.

3. Men generally get more social respect, and people often think them to be more intelligent than they really are.

4. Uncomplicated friendships.

Cons of being a man

1. Facial hair and its constant upkeep.

2. Expected to be manly. Those who are not spend their lives apologizing for it.

3. Not allowed to enjoy romantic comedies.

4. Men are expected to make the first move on dates, propose to their partners and make all the big decisions.

6. Lower pain thresholds. (ANI)

Here is another hilarious one by the techies:

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run House Cleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely,

XXX

Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heart Break 1.3.

I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command

"C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a

C:\ I APOLOGIZE

command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother In Law 1.0. This is not a supported application and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until Mother In Law 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support.

Now, let’s go to few findings about certain important things in life, and how men and women react or enact these.

Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and her was doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading cricket cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.

Women's magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good.

Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.

When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.

A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day, probably for the same one for nearly a year.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the role of a woman.

Cats:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Their husband’s bald head.

Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind".

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy".

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a SUV.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store".

Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. Men don’t.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out 14,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting.

Women are very happy that another generation of the “Gandhi” family is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.

The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Nicknames:
If Jane, Preeti, Rupini, Dolly and Prathi get together for lunch, they will call each other Jane, Preeti, Rupini, Dolly and Prathi.

But if Sathiya, Vijay, Parthasarathy, Jagan, Vinoth and Muthu go out for dinner, they will affectionately refer to each other as Gundus, Dhadiya, PP, Iyeru, Onan and Item.

The matter is that we have absolutely different ideas about dialogue and expectations from conversation.

- Men expect information, women - emotional support.

- Men talk to be listened and explode without powder, if we cut them short with leading questions all the time.

- Women talk to be listened and supported. To be asked important questions full of sense (like “And he? And you?”). And to see one’s interest in their problems. As a wise proverb says: “If a woman asks advice, she just has nobody to unburden her heart to”

- Men are dumbfounded with a phrase: “We need to talk about our relations”. They can much easier bear ventilating of some concrete problem.

- Men don’t like asking, as they think it’s a demonstration of disrespect for an interlocutor’s independence;
women treat this as a cold indifference to their problems.

The battle at Workplace

Workplaces are always tricky to navigate, even more so because of sensitivities that should be common sense, but aren't always.

Typical Complaints Women Have About Men

• Addressing women as "girls," "gals," "honey," "baby young," "lady," "darlin'"
• A lot of women don't want to be called "ladies" at work
• Making women into objects... "I have a car, a boat, a dog, and a wife."
• Using expressions that only use sports, violence or sexual connotations... "We murdered the competition" or "More bang for the buck"
• Making decisions about work with each other and not including women. Then telling women, "Last night we got together and decided..."

Typical Complaints Men Have About Women

• Not getting down to business soon enough
• Taking things too seriously
• Trying to be "one of the boys" (Using profanity, telling sexist jokes, etc.)

Gender Communication Tip Sheet

Women:

• Share experiences to show commonality
• Build off of each other’s discussion points
• Want to talk about the problem and solve it collaboratively
• Emphasis on feelings and communications
• Processing is a way to include others and build relationships.
• Offer help and advice as a sign of caring

Men:

• Focus on statistics
• Relate by sharing stories to one up each other
• Move to solutions and problem solving right away
• Value placed on ability to achieve results
• To ask for help reflects an inability to achieve on one’s own merit.

Strategies:

1. Women, get to bottom line quickly and succinctly. Men, understand that when women tell a story, they are building common ground with you.

2. Women, don't try to get men to talk if they're not ready. Observe and listen rather than process out loud. Men, understand that processing is a way for women to include others and build relationships.

3. Women, understand that offering help may be inferred as a lack of trust in another's ability. Don't be so quick to offer advice. Men, ask what you can do to help. It may be an opportunity to show support and caring.

Unspoken Communication:

So folks. Here we are at the end. What are your thoughts? You can help me conclude! Spill your thoughts…

The Quintessential Change

Hi Guys,

As usual, Statuary Warning:

This blog portrays the current state f my mind. I have gone nuts and if you are looking for an interesting read, you might want to read my other posts or some other blog. I will be back shortly with the Second part of Men, Women and Relationships very soon! Thank you for your patience.

It’s so long since I made my visit on my blogs. I have been quite held up with so many things at my office. First, my year end appraisals pose a great threat. Last year, I have actually performed well last year. However, by the middle of this fiscal year, I had shifted two different teams, and got myself jacked at both teams. However, I continue to enjoy what I am doing, so makes a little difference when it comes to work. So, quite a lot!

My last visit to Chennai, reiterated a lot of things, which I had been dreading. I saw a lot of changes happening everywhere, my family, friends & the city itself. My most memorable time was when I spent a couple of hours with one of my juniors in my MBA. She is a very endearing girl, who I really love as my kid. I don’t know what I do without her. She is and always had been special me. However I still spent some time talking to her in a nearby coffee shop.

The part which I was dreading is my nutty gang. I just see that things are changing from my end. I feel so different. It’s like I am not in the same sync in which I was with them. That is now scaring me a lot. For over a month, I have not been talking to them over phone, which I usually do. Am I losing them voluntarily? I don’t know. Do I want to lose them? Definitely no! Do they want to lose me? I don’t have an answer to that question. The penultimate time I was in Chennai, I could not meet them at the time they asked me to, because I was stuck up with a sudden hitch. May be they are upset with me. I don’t know what to tell them.

When I don't like something, I change it; if I can't change it, I change the way I think about it. All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. I know.. Too Philosophical? That happens to me all the time!

The thing is, without accepting the fact that everything changes, I cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for me to accept it. Because of the fact I cannot accept the truth of transience, I suffer.

Now I know that few of my statements will get a mixed response. Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof. An inner voice in my head keeps saying “Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed” I keep responding “what does different mean? It means it’s not the same! It means something has changed.”

In closing, I just want to say that, I know that time changes people, however it does not alter the image I have retained of them. To me things will always want to be the same. It is going to take time for me to accept it. May be I am nuts. But that’s what I am. All I ask God these days are, “God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.”

Ever Yours,

Sathiya

Men, Women & Relationships – An Objective Approach towards the battle between the sexes. Part - 1

Hi all,

It’s been so long since I entered the blog world. Lots of things have been happening in my life. The first and the only significant thing being my transition to the Account Marketing team – Consumer Business Industry. I am trying to fit in to the team. I ought to manage my work also. I enjoy what I do here though.

Okay, enough about me. Now to my latest post.

As usual, Statuary Warning:

All feminists and extreme feminists, please keep away from this post. The author will not be held responsible for any statements he makes here. So go sod off your anger else where.

In this post, I am going to talk about relationships. The problem each couple faces when in a relationship. I am about to share my experience with all of you about what I learnt. I did not learn these during the time I went through all this, but did learn so when I came across a wonderful book called “Why Men Don’t listen and women can’t read maps” by Allan & Barbara Pease. A few lines have been taken from that book and I don’t own any credit for those lines. It belongs wholly to Allan & Barbara Pease. I have also taken a lot of information from Mark Gungor’s experience. No money is being made out of this and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Now, in this blog, I am looking objectively at my relationship with my partner (yeah. Okay. Ex-girl friend) and about our history, meanings and implications that affected and effected our relationship. I am not going to beat around the bush with assumptions or suppositions, politically correct terms or scientific words. If something looks like a fox, sounds like a fox, walks like a fox and if there is enough proof to warrant that it is a fox, that’s what I will call it as. Not that you guys have an option, though.

Okay.. here we go..

Defining Love

She slowly maneuvered the car on the Punjagutta fly over after a night show. She stepped in on the gas, cruising the car at 80 kmph. I was beside her, looking at her side profile. As usual, ravishing as ever, she was concentrating on the road. One and on the steering wheel and with the other she was fidgeting with her new mobile she got herself that evening. Suddenly she turned her gorgeous head and asked, “Hon, what exactly is love to you?”. I looked into her artificial blue eyes (multi color contact lenses, of course). “To me, Love means you.” “Awwwww… that’s the sweetest thing I have ever heard. Look at you, making up a load of crap for me.. so tell me really, actually, what does it mean to you??” she asked me. I grinned sheepishly at her statement. Damn these women, they are walking polygraphs. However, I did mean that! Anyways, I turned my attention to the landscape rushing on my sides.

"Love to me is a big house with many rooms. We are born into the world wanting nothing but to live in it, but with only half of what we need to build it for ourselves. So we pack our supplies and tools away inside our hearts and go into the world to find that perfect person who has what we lack. If we're really lucky, we will find the one person in this world who has the right nails for our wood, and stones for our mortar, and iron and steel for our roof beams...and only then can we begin to build the house we dreamed about. The house keeps growing large in size, and if we have built with care, trust, faithfulness and love, it becomes our home." I sighed. She was listening with rapt attention and fascination. I lost myself in my thoughts. "We then pour our whole selves into its planning and construction, and it rises to become a marvelous piece of architecture. It is constructed with days and moments, of thoughts and words and feelings. It is painted with laughter and weathered with tears. Few rooms grow dark and are shut away while others are opened to the sun’s magnificent rays.. We must tend it carefully and repair its weaknesses then and there, if we want it to keep us safe."

“Wow!” she started. “I am not done yet” I interjected. "The sad part is that, the house is never completely finished, sweetie. We can labor on it all our lives, and only hope that it remains strong and whole enough to shelter us."

She grew silent. She looked at me with those blue eyes. The same piercing stare, which meant, she is processing what I said in her brain.

Brain Drain

Brain. The Brain! Did you know that there is a difference in the structure and function of the brain between man and women? Yeah, the first time I heard it, I was stunned to! Being a biochemistry student, I was refuting it till I had my own experiences (Not dissecting a brain, but dissecting my relationship with our arguments and saw how much it made a difference!)

Lets start with my discussion between Men’s brains and women’s brain and how different they are very different from each other. Now I am going to start with the Man’s brain. It does not have much and is simple!

A perspective into the Man’s Brain

Our brain is very unique. They are made up of a large number of boxes and we have a box for everything. We have a box for our job, we have box for our money, we have a box for our parents, we also have a tiny little box in the basement for your friends too! We have got boxes everywhere!!. The main rule in our brain is that, the boxes don’t touch each other. When we discuss a particular subject, we retrieve that particular box, we open that box and discuss only what is in that particular box! When we are done, we tuck that box safely in its place, making sure, that it does not touch any other boxes.

Understanding the Woman’s brain (or at least try to)

Now a women’s brains are very very different from men’s brains. Women’s brains are made up of a big ball of wires and everything is connected to everything. The job is connected to the friends, the friends are connected to the family, the family is connected to the money and so on and so forth. It’s all driven by the unending powerful energy called emotion and that one reason why women tend to remember, everything! I l explain how. Now when you take an event and connect it to your emotion, it burns in your memory for ever.

Illustration:

Sheila and I were getting back from a party and we just had a row about she telling me to turn left when she actually meant right. Five minutes pass by and I suspect something is up. I am immediately concerned and ask her. “Hon, is everything okay?” “Yes, everything’s fine!” she answers. Now for those guys who do not know about the word fine coming from a woman, be assured that everything is not fine! Its not very fine. It’s the opposite of fine!

And the way she emphasized on “fine” will confirm that things are very far from being fine. I go deep into my “party” box in my brain and rummage out its content to find what went wrong. Now on not being to find anything, I asked her “Did I do something wrong tonight?” “I don’t want to talk about it” she snapped back. I was considering rechristening her name to camera. You know why? She snaps at me all the time!

Now, dudes, when a woman (be it your sister, mother or girl friend) says that she does not want to talk about it, it means YOU must talk about it, come what may! Else you will regret later. Trust me!

Now, I knew that she is seething with rage and she does want to talk about it and I am completely at a loss to comprehend what I have done to upset her. “Hon, please tell me. What did I do?” I plead. (Note – Guys, you better be very polite and soft in your approach to these scenarios!)

In most conversations, we tell them the truth. I simply can’t fathom the problem! “Okay then” she retorts. “ I will tell you the problem even though you are playing the stupid act!” I was horrified! “Act?, what act? I don’t genuinely have a handle on what you re rambling!” (Another mistake for which I will regret. You are wondering why? Its because of my vocabulary. You still have not got it, have you? It’s the term “ramble”!)

She takes a deep breath. “That bimbo was hanging around you all night giving you come-on signals and, and you did not get rid of her – you bloody encouraged her!”

Now I am completely dumb-folded. What bimbo? What come-on signals? For Christ sakes, I did not even go near the dance floor (Not that I go generally, cause I don’t dance!!) and I did not see anything! Guys, you see, while the “bimbo” (a women’s expression, the equivalent term what we men can call is “extremely sexy”) had been talking to me, I had not noticed that she was tilting her pelvis at me, pointing her foot at my way, flicking her hair, stroking her thigh, massaging her earlobes, giving me longer than usual glances, stroking the stem of her wine glass and talking like a school girl. (Now I do not know, how many of those things the “bimbo” did! And in the god damn first place, I never knew all these were come-on signals!) We men do not have the women’s ability to pick up the visual, vocal and body language signals that say, someone was on the make. Every other women (most unfortunately Sheila’s girl friends also) at the party saw what the “bimbo” was doing even without moving their heads, and here I was completely unaware of what she was doing and have missed it completely. Its like a telepathic “bitch alert” “bitch alert” “tuck your boy friend away from this bitch” message sent and received by all other women in the party!

So respected members of the fairer sex, when we claim that we are telling the truth about these accusations, we probably are! Our brains are not equipped to hear or see the details. In all probability, we would have been having a very civil conversation with that “bimbo” you say!

The Brain Connection

Now back to the brain discussion. As I was telling you about how women connect an event to an emotion, thereby burning it in their memory (just as my ex-girlfriend did), the same thing happens for men, but it does not happen very often, because quite frankly, we just don’t care! Women tend to care about every single thing. Its their inborn quality!

The Nothing Box

Now we have a box in our brain, which most of you are not aware of. This particular box has nothing, absolutely nothing in it. As a matter of fact, I call it the “Nothing Box”. Of all the boxes in our brains, the “nothing box” is our favorite box! If we have a chance, we will go to the nothing box, every time! That’s why we men can do something seemingly, completely brain dead for hours together. And we love it.

Illustration:

I was once at her place, watching TV. She has this huge plasma LCD TV and and a digital set top box that delivers video in high quality! So I sat there, flicking the channels, with my nothing box open. Apparently, this drives her nuts and she screams at me, “Stop that! You cant possible be watching anything!” I turn to look at her, with my hand still switching channels. I have a blank expression on my face. “I am not!” I say and continue to switch channels. I turn my head, and find her staring at me with her hands in her hips. “Go away!” I cry and I get back to switching channels, and bam, we have a go at each other (ahem,… verbally, yu possibly cant expect anything sexually after that kind of expression and honestly, if you did, time to get your self checked!!)

Now, this has actually been proved by the University of Pennsylvania, which published a research about, how we men have the ability to think about absolutely nothing and can still breathe. Women can’t do this. Their minds are very hyper active and keeps on inter connecting and you cant understand the nothing box!! And above all, it drives you women crazy, because nothing can drive you lot more crazy or make you more irritated than to witness a man doing nothing!!! After I explained her about the nothing box, she is shell shocked and revelations slowly start to come in. Now look into this piece of conversation below:

She: “Can I come into the nothing box with you??”

Me: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

She: Why Not!!!

Me: Because then it becomes something!!!!!!!!! You will mess it up!

She: I wont. Let me come in and give me a chance!

Me: Okay, come on in. She walks into the place, stays quiet for few minutes as she sees nothing and then starts looking around.

She: Uhm.. This place actually needs some pictures, some furnishings, some curtains, you might want to pull that table here, put some flowers in the vase...

Me: Nooooooooo!! Thats why I did not allow you inside. Get out now!!! Go away! (Another BIG mistake for which I will have to pay through my nose)

Men Vs Women – Stress Management

Now this is connected to how men and women manage stress. Now when we are stressed out, all we want to do is, to run into our nothing box. That is how we unwind. The last thing we want to do when we are stressed out is, to talk about it.

Dudes, when a woman is stressed out, she has to talk about it! If she does not talk about it, her complicated brain will literally explode! And when they talk about it, they talk about everything, her father, brother, boss, co-worker and slowly shift to ultra sonic sound levels, that’s when, we men usually take to our heels!

Some time back, I went over to Sheila’s place on a Saturday evening and by the look on her face, I knew that she was stressed out. When she started to talk about it, I could not understand! She was saying about a deliverable, and her boss, and all of a sudden her brother and credit card dues jumped in while she was talking about her project and boss, and hey, the topic of our dinner date also crept up! And to top all that she was sounding ultra sonic. That’s when I ran for cover. Her roomie, seeing my reaction, questioned me on why I was running away, and I said that I did not know what to tell her!!! She raised her eye brows and said “Dude, the golden rule here is, you don’t need to tell your girl friend anything or try to attempt to fix anything! She is perfectly able to handle her affairs!! She just wants you to hear it out! I know this differs between you men, because when you share your problems with other men, you expect the other guys to fix it or tell you how to fix it! She does not need any fixing from you! She is not a man, and if you try to fix her, she might end up killing you! She does not want your advice nor does she want your help, and all you got to do is shut the F*** up and listen! So go put your hands around her, comfort her and listen to what she has to say with your mouth shut!”

I slowly approached her, quivering and quaking with fear…

(to be continued…)

Tagged!!

1. If your Lover betrayed you, what would your reaction be?

Dump her…

2. If you have one dream which could come true, it would be?

To go back in time and set few things straight!!

3. Which one do you prefer-ice-cream or chocolate?

Ice cream with chocolate sauce??

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Travel around the world?

5. Can you fall in love with your best friend?

Nah.. she would know too much about me..

6. Who is more blessed-loving someone or being loved by someone?

Loved by someone…

7. How long would you wait for someone you love?

Wait? I don’t know how long. She better come along soon!

8. If the person you like is secretly attached, what would you do?

To what or who?

9. If you could root for one social cause, what would it be?

Educating the uneducated…

10. What takes you down fastest?

Gravity.

11. What according to you is blogger in denial?

!!!!!

12. What’s your fear?

Being broke…

13. Your opinion of the persons who tagged you with this?

Heh heh

14. Would you be single & rich or married & poor?

Single & Rich

15. What is the first thing you do when you wake up?

Shut the alarm off!!

16. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, whom would you pick?

I d pick both ;)

17. Would you give all in a relationship?

Yeah.. Right!!!

18. What’s eating you now?

Not being able to get a job in Chennai.

19. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?

Blissfully Single!!

20. What is your occupation?

Marketing Analyst

21. What color are your socks right now?

Black?

22. What are you listening to right now?

Songs from Rab Ne Bana De Jodi

23. What was the last thing you ate?

Podi Dosa

24. Can you drive stick shift?

What is a stick shift??

25. Last person you spoke to on the phone?

My sister.

26. Do you like the person who sent this to you?

Don’t have an option of not liking.

27. How old are you today?

21 years and 37 months

28. What is your favorite sport to watch?

Cricket.

29. What are your favorite drinks?

Black Currant Smoothie/Colada

30. Have you ever dyed your hair?

For a day.

31. Favorite Food?

Lasagna

32. What is the last movie you watched?

Ghazhini (Hindi)

33. Favorite day of the year?

My Birthday!!

34. How do you vent anger?

Walk away.

35. What was your favorite toy as a child?

Hot wheels cars and trucks

36. What is your favorite Season?

Winter

37. Do you want your friends to email you back?

Obviously…

38. When was the last time you cried?

Uhh.. Cant remember…

39. What is on the floor of your closet?

I don’t have a closet here

40. Who is the friend you have the longest you are sending to?

Srinivas

41. What did you do last night?

Was working late!!

42. Plain, Cheese or Spicy hamburger?

Cheese and Spicy…

43. Favorite dog breed?

Alsatians

44. Favorite day of the week?

Saturday

45. How many states have you lived in?

Tamil Nadu (22 years), Karnataka (3 months) and Andhra Pradesh (2 years)

46. Diamonds or Pearls?

Diamonds

47. What is your wish for the new year?

To get a job in Chennai.

48. New year resolution?

As one of my esteemed clients put it "One of the things I usually avoid doing in January every new year is making resolutions. Why? Because then I feel guilty when I break them! It is so easy to sit around and think about all the things you want to accomplish. It is significantly harder to actually do something about all those things. But, this year, I have a new plan. I am going to resolve to “continue doing things that are going well” and to “find new ways to do things that aren’t going very well”. How is that for ambiguity?

I tag-

1. Preeti Ramachandran

2. Janey Jeyakumar

3. Srinivas

4. Sowmya Akka

R.E.F.L.E.C.T.I.O.N.S. - Series 3

Statutory Warning: This blog will consist of certain circumstances that may evoke strong emotional feelings. Please use your discernment before you go ahead with this part.

Also, this is going to be a lengthy blog. So fluff your pillows once in a way as you read this piece.

It was a week since I spoke to her about the letter from the University. It was our Saturday night dinner self cook dinner (where both of us are supposed to cook for the other) and after we had cooked, I had just stepped out to buy some ice cream for the dessert. When I entered, I found a beautifully lit table - candle light dinner, and I was really impressed. I looked at her, dressed in her metallic green gown, looking as magnificent as ever I was amazed at her expertise in laying the table in like 15 minutes. I smiled at her and asked, “Candle Light Dinner??” She nodded her gorgeous head, and a streak of hair fell on her face, making her look more adorable than ever. I suddenly found myself getting hot. I looked up at the fan, and then she said the three magical words, “Electricity just went”.

Anyway, I was really happy. I have only heard about candle light dinner, and for the first time I was experiencing it with this beauty in front of me. We both sat down and served ourselves the food we had cooked for each other. I had cooked Potato Mutter Gravy, with Roti and vegetable rice, and my speciality: Vermicel Kheer. She had a whole host of 10 superb, finger licking veg dishes for me. The moment she tasted the Potato mutter gravy, she smiled. I was glad that she enjoyed it. And I forced her to take some more after she finished the first serving. She again started to smile as she began to eat it. I was surprised. I knew, I can cook, but not even close to her culinary talent. So I took a piece of Puri she had made, and was about to taste the Potato mutter gravy. She immediately caught my hand and emptied everything on her plate. I was surprised. “Hey, let me taste it” I said. “No way honey, this is mine. I don’t share the food cooked by my hubby” she retorted. I was not going to give up without a fight. I looked at her intently for a minute, gazing at hr lovely eyes. She slowly left my hand and at that nano second, I immediately dipped my Puri into the Potato mutter gravy, and faster than a lightening I took my hand back, before she realized what I had done. Before she could even utter a word, I popped the Puri with a smile on my face. The next instant, my smile disappeared. The mutter was extremely salty and inordinately spicy. I started to choke and went into a coughing fit. She immediately came to me and handed me a glass of water and gently was patting my back. After few more minutes of torture, I looked at her; with tears in my eyes (due to the spicy food). Her face was so calm and composed. How had she eaten three-fourth of that with no complaint? I mean, this is not our first dinner. Yet, she ate inspite of my fiasco. I asked her, “Why didn’t you tell me?” “I liked it” she replied. “Don’t lie” I nearly screamed. “You should have not eaten that. You should have told me.” I told her in a deadly hiss. “Would you have told me, had I done the same to your food?” she asked. I looked at her fork and said “I would have”. “Don’t lie to me” she hissed back. “Last week, I forgot to add salt to the Brinjal curry and you ate it without a word” she retorted. I did not reply. I did not even know how she managed to find out. Our ground rules were that, while cooking, on no point should we taste our food. We were to leave the judgment to each other. I did not reply. I slowly went back to my Puri. We did not utter a word till we had finished dinner. As we were about to attack our dessert, the electricity was restored and the whole room was flooded with light. After we had done the dishes, I went and switched on the television and sat back in her couch. As usual, she came over and snuggled close to me. I was glad that her room-mate thankfully had gone to her native place and she was not returning for three days. We had the whole apartment to ourselves and I was already plotting on what needed to be done.

Suddenly her voice bought me back to earth. “So what happened after that?” she asked. “What happened after what?” I asked her. “After you called the Sri Lankan University” she said. I suddenly began to feel uncomfortable. I really did not like to talk about this, and yet here she was, grilling me more on the topic. I did not know what to say. I had avoided this topic for a whole week. Man, these women, I tell you, tell them a little about the secret, and they will drive you crazy till they have discovered completely about it.

I started the journey backwards. I remember replacing the receiver back on the hook. I went back to my chair and fell heavily on it. I put my head down on the table. After what seemed to be a micro second after my head hit the table, my mobile rang. It was Dr Radha. I disconnected the call. I was in no mood to talk about this. She called me again. I kept on rejecting two more times. Again, she called. I understood that this should be an emergency; else she would have not called the fourth time. I picked the call. She was hysterical. She asked me to immediately come to her clinic. Her clinic was like 10 minutes. I was about to offer an excuse, until she said, “Vani is having the attack of convulsions for the fifth time on that day” I was devastated. I knew what was going to happen. I immediately rushed to her clinic. Vani’s whole body was jerking. Her pupils were dilated and her eyes, was blood shot. I rushed to her and throwing caution to the winds, I inserted four needles on the sole of her left leg. The jerking stopped immediately. She still clutched her head and with an ear splitting scream she cried to me with that blood shot eyes to help her. Before I could even get to her head, her hands fell down from her head. Her body gave one last jerk and went limp. The ECG machine’s reading slowly went blank. We lost her. After fighting a bloody war, we lost her. Tears welled up in my eyes. I could not bear to see her. The girl was 17 years old. I quickly looked at Radha and she had squatted on the floor, crying silently. I walked out of the room. I took an auto and headed straight back home. I went into the restroom and poured a bucket of water on my head drenching me completely. I removed the soaked dress and put on dry clothes. I immediately went to bed.

The next day morning.. “Hold on a second” she interrupted. “What?” I asked her. “Who is this Vani?” Oh damn! I had not told about Vani to her. Oh my God, she is going to weasel it out of me. “You don’t want to know” I said. “I do” she whined. “It’s a terrible story. I myself can’t talk about it”. “You have to” she said in her cold voice. One thing I hate about this woman is that, she never leaves certain things to rest. She keeps on digging until she has struck water. I told her that it was a terribly, heart breaking story about this girl and I did not want to talk about it. She never gave in. Here we go again I thought.

I was preparing for my thesis, collecting information.. “I asked you, who is this Vani?” she interrupted. “Patience my lady” I said. “I m getting to it shortly” I interjected. “If you interrupt me I will not tell you anything. Mind you” I said knowing fully, that she will get the story out of me at any cost and won’t fall for my bluff. Her expression softened a little, and I proceeded further.

I was in the process of photocopying some materials, when my mobile rung. It was Dr Radha. After the formal pleasantries were exchanged, she wanted to meet me personally for lunch. I was stunned. Dr Radha and I have never met personally for lunch, other than in conventions. I agreed to meet her the following weekend.

On Saturday, when we were in our luncheon session, she slowly stated that she has a challenge for me. I was surprised. This was the not the approach which Dr Radha takes. I was contemplating on whether to accept this challenge. The thing is, I did not have time due to three reasons. One, my college mid assessment cycle was nearing, and if I did not scrape through with decent marks, my Department Head and the lecturers will chew my arse. Two, I was also made the coordinator for our in-house magazine and we were working on tight deadlines and third, my appoint book was almost full for three whole weeks, with a training in Reiki taking a whole week in between, not to mention my evening college classes. When I did tell her this, she agreed to wait till my midterm assessment was over.

Post my midterm, I agreed to meet Dr Radha at her private clinic. I reported to her clinic few minutes earlier. I saw few people sitting in the lobby. I strode directly into her consultation room, and found a lady cleaning her desk. Dr Radha was not yet present. The lady looked at me and told me very “politely” that Dr Radha was not in and I had to join the queue outside as there were 10 people waiting to see her. I then realized, I was not wearing my usual white dress or my white coat and I was amused at the situation. Chortling, I went back outside and stood near the door thinking of how much an appearance of an Doctor is important. The lady attendant asked me to sit on the chairs reserved for patients. This time I did not know what to say as the lady was giving me the coldest stare ever possible. I on the contrary have never been treated in this way at any hospital. I was in a half mind to walk away when Dr Radha entered the Clinic to my huge relief. The moment she saw me, she was shocked and looked at her watch. She was late by 10 minutes. She immediately rushed to me and shook my hands, and started to lead me to her consultation room and apologized to me profusely on the way. Finally, I was happy that my pride was restored. I strode into her room and she offered me a seat. She then called her assistant to order some tea for the both of us and while the lady assistant went to fetch the tea, I recounted to Dr Radha my experience with her assistant embarrassing her further. She immediately flushed and apologized once again. I decided to stop embarrassing her further and asked her about the nature of my challenge. That’s when the tea arrived and Dr Radha then introduced me to her assistant, who also apologized to me.

After tea, Dr Radha got up and asked me to follow her to the terrace. I was surprised on why on earth was she asking me to visit her terrace, and just as we were leaving, Dr Bhanumati, Dr Gomati & Dr Lakshmi walked in. I was surprised at the sight of all the three doctors. They all came over and we shook hands. After the exchange of greetings, Dr Lakshmi asked Radha, whether I was here to see Vani, to which Radha nodded her head. Dr Radha, Lakshmi, Gomati and myself left to the adjoining fleet of stairs while Dr Bhanumati went inside the clinic to attend to the patients inside the clinic.

As I took the last fleet of stairs, I saw a pent house which was bolted from the outside and one old lady and one man sitting outside of the pent house, which had an asbestos sheet on top. I was really surprised. Dr Gomati and Dr Lakshmi stood to one side, allowing me o follow Dr Radha into the room. The moment I walked into the room, I was stunned. It was semi dark. I could see a figure silhouetted on a bed. Dr Radha switched on the lights. I could see the back of a woman on the bed. She slowly turned. I was mistaken. It was not a woman. It was a young girl in her late twenties and her face was deeply scarred and half healed. She looked scary. The moment she saw me, she sat up straight and suddenly she stripped her loosely covered t shit and was halfway pulling her skirt down. I was too stunned to even speak! She did not have any inner garments and her body was also equally scarred, half healed with cuts, burns and bruises. I stood there rooted to the spot with my mouth opened in horror, while Dr Radha ran immediately to her and pulled up her skirt and covered her with a blanket. I turned and slowly walked outside.

I sat down on the chair that was left unoccupied and was awaiting Dr Radha to give an explanation. Dr Radha, called me a second time into the room. I did not want to enter. Dr Lakshmi who was sitting in the next chair asked me to go. I told her that I did not want to go. Dr Radha came out once again and told me that her patient was in control and asked me to come. I still did not budge from my chair. I looked at Dr Radha with a blank expression. Dr Lakshmi and Dr Gomati enquired whether I was okay. I definitely was not okay, not even close to being okay.

For the second time that day, Dr Radha led me by my hand into the room. As I entered the room, I began to shiver and chills emanated to my spine. I was suddenly scared. Really scared.

I saw that the girl had been tied to her bed with a rope and she was still looking at me with frightened eyes. Dr Radha asked me to note her pulse reading. I was still scared looking at this girl and slowly reached to wrists. Nothing prepared both Dr Radha and me on what was followed the moment I touched her wrists. The girl cried out an ear splitting scream that made my hair on hands stand by its end. I immediately withdrew my hands and took few steps back, while she rattled at the bed.

Dr Radha immediately rushed to her and hugged her tightly till she calmed down and I fled out of the room. Dr Gomati and Dr Lakshmi were looking at me with a blank expression. I sat down once again by the chair next to Dr Lakshmi and for the first time in my life I was speechless.

Dr Radha came out again with a determined look and told me that this was a challenge harder than what she had expected. It was my turn to look at her with a blank expression. The trio then got up and asked me to follow them into Dr Radha’s house.

I followed them happily, out of that place to safer and saner quarters. Dr Radha went into the house with the other three of us following her wake. I was directed into a small study room. This time, before walking in, I stopped at the door step and slowly peeked in to see whether Dr Radha had locked another mad girl inside. When the other three saw me, they started to roll down with laughter. Amongst laughter Dr Radha told me that she had no more new surprises in her house. It was my chance to be embarrassed and I walked into the room and sat myself in the nearest chair.

After their laughter had died down, I saw Dr Radha’s expression changing back to her serious form. I waited patiently till she was looking into her chest of drawers and pulled out a thick file labeled confidential. She placed it before her, and all three of them were looking at me.

I realized I had to ask the first question. “Who is she? What’s wrong with her? Is she mad?” Dr Radha smiled apologetically and told me that she would have warned me earlier, had she known that the girl would react so violently in my presence.

She then handed over me the thick file labeled confidential. I was about to ask the next question, when Dr Lakshmi started to explained, Vani (Name changed) was a girl rescued from a remote village in Tamil Nadu, near Velankanni by an NGO. She was confined for over a year. The details of the girl is available in this file.

I opened the file. The first was a police certificate, stating her name and origin. I found another letter from the NGO and a photocopy of a check amounting to Rs 2,00,000/- I looked up and asked them whether I can take the file home. Dr Radha nodded, however, she requested me to read the file now and tell her whether I can handle this case. I asked her what the case was about. She merely pointed at the file, and suggested me to read. I resigned and with a sigh and sat down to read thru the thick manuscripts.

There was a stack of papers neatly stapled together from the NGO, titled the story of the subject. According to the report, the girl was from a native village and was kidnapped by five men, who bought her to Velankanni. The girl was held in confinement for over 13 months and has been physically harassed by six lorry drivers every day.

My heart skipped a beat. I read further.

This girl was harassed four to six times every day by these lorry drivers alternatively and one guy used to be with her throughout her time there and he has always kept her without any clothes throughout the day and enjoyed her whenever he felt the need.

The six of them also enjoyed hurting her physically, burning her with “beedi” butts. They have also beaten her black and blue when she resisted and also scratched her entire body when they were harassing her. At first she was resisting their advances, however, on being subjected to this treatment, she had no strength in her.

When she stopped resisting, she was offered food twice a day and very little clothing to keep her warm during the night. Whenever any guy walked in, she used to go to a small room with a mattress and strip her night gown and lie down with her legs open. However, the men never stopped hurting her. After a month, there were a lot of new faces who used to come to “see” her. She has gotten used to it. The only thing she was unable to bear was their beatings.

Once, a forest officer who was passing by the route heard screams of this girl. He immediately rushed to the spot and found the hut. He immediately called his comrade and rushed into the hut kicking down the door. He found the girl was in the process of being harassed by a big burly man and the moment he saw the forest officer, he ran outside knocking the officer down. The officer was about to chase this man, when he heard the girl moaning in pain. He immediately rushed to her and saw her lying in a pool of blood under her legs.

He immediately dialed for the local police and ambulance. He covered her with the only cloth around: her night gown.

The girl was immediately handed over to the ambulance and local police. She was hospitalized immediately. The local police sub inspector’s wife worked in a nearby NGO and she immediately contacted her office and requested for help. The NGO immediately responded and sent her a cheque covering the entire hospital fee and also a letter in which they had agreed to take her in their custody till her parents were contacted.

I turned to the next page, where the hospital report was quoted. The girl has suffered several internal bleedings and spasm of muscles all over her body. She had lost a lot of blood and has temporarily lost her sanity. The moment she sees a guy, she strips and lies down with her legs open. The worst part of the report was the report on her privates. Where there should have been a line, there was a round hole which was considerably swollen. I suddenly remembered the flashes of what I had seen half hour back. I did see a red swollen hole down just as I turned to run away from the room. I looked at the last page of the report which stated that the girl was barely 16 years old when she was rescued. Her attackers were arrested and only one managed to getaway. It was known from her attackers that the local police had not taken any notice when they come across the path to the little hut and as a matter of fact that they had also claimed their share on her, regularly.

The men were all sentenced to serve a life term in prison. The worst part was that all the main attackers had a proper family and their “leader” had a daughter who was of the same age of this girl.

My blood was boiling and I found that I could not continue any further. Dr Radha offered me few tissues. I did not realize that I had been crying for over five minutes…

and suddenly I found my hand getting wet. My little darling lying on my lap was also crying. I held her close to me. She slowly got up and settled on my lap hugging me tightly and her tears never stopping. She was whispering something remotely in my ears. When I pulled her by her head and looked into her eyes, she said something which made my blood boil. She said, “I think I know what the girl might have undergone. I was harassed by my cousin when I was twelve”

I clutched her immediately close to me, scared to leave her. I vowed to myself that I d kill the guy who touched her. We both sat there in silence, crying and clinging to each other tightly. She looked once again in my eyes and asked me, “Promise me that you won’t leave me.” I looked at her and hugged her once again only firmer. I was never going to leave her.

We were still clinging on to each other for about an hour. I then realized she had been asleep for quite some time. I then slowly lifted her and found out that she was quite heavy than I expected. I slowly carried her into the bedroom and laid her down on her bed. Just as I was gently tugging my arm from her, she awoke with a start and held on to my hands even tighter with her blue eyes pleading with me to not to leave her in that state. I immediately sat down next to her, and slowly stroked her hair till she went back to sleep. I tried once again to tug my arm out of her hand. She woke up again and I could see fear in her eyes. I had to stroke her head again till she went back to sleep. I realized that I cannot leave her in this state. I got into her bed by her side (and prayed that it should hold both of us) and gently pulled the covers over her. I looked at her, sleeping contently with my arm clasped on her heart. I kissed her and hugged her to sleep.

I suddenly woke up to find her on me and hugging me tightly. I became uneasy and slowly I rolled her on the other side of the bed and walked back to the Hall. I had actually lost my sleep. It was 3 in the morning. I poured myself a cup of juice and picked up a reader digest nearby.

When I woke up, I found my vision obstructed by a very large quantity of bushy hair. I looked down and found my darling on me. I did not understand, I remember myself carrying her and putting her to bed, and here she was again on me. I had been reading some story and apparently I had fallen asleep on the couch. I looked at my watch. It was 7 am. I carried her once more, in my tired arms. I left her on her bed. This time she did not clasp my arm. I tucked her in bed.

I then brewed the coffee in her kitchen and boiled some milk in her microwave. I left a note for her on the bedside and also messaged her, just in case, and left her home.

R.E.F.L.E.C.T.I.O.N.S. - Series 2

Greetings, my friends. I am just continuing this post from the point I left it (last blog post) Thank you all for your support. Here you go on the second part.. I must warn you. It has some technical details...

I shifted in my chair uncomfortably. Her eyes were still giving me the penetrating look. However, I could see that she was admiring me. She got up and snuggled close to me. I held her in my arms. I suddenly felt a warmth spread all over me. I did not want to disturb here. We were in total silence for what seemed to be an hour. Slowly adrenaline rushed to my head. I pulled back from her the second time. I got up and filled our glasses again. This time i sat next to her, hoping that she would snuggle back to me. I felt so secure in her warmth and now was actually looking forward to hold her back. However, this time, she just put her tired head on my shoulders. Her hair smelt nice. I think she was using a very good shampoo. Dove or Loreal, but the scent was pleasing. I was actually mesmerized by her hair. So soft and bushy and sweet smelling. "Go on!" she prodded me breaking the silence for the second time.

The best part was that all my services were offered free of cost to the public. I never charged a single rupee to the patient, or that’s what I thought. I was asked to come everywhere. I have never imagined that my life was about to become complicated. I managed to satisfy every doctor owning those clinics, in addition, to my responsibility for screening and verifying applicants for post graduate applications and doctoral programs. My life was a routine. I was always dressed in whites completely, when I visited the clinics.

January 2003, I was at the Institute for Alternate Medicine as their guest of honor for their new computerized diagnostic equipment. I watched the chief guest inaugurating this machine. I was against them against importing this machine in this clinic. It was a money minting machine. Each test in that machine costs Rs 1500 per test. All the other Clinics had tie ups with this clinic for these “tests” making sure that they had a slice of this piece too. When I did not permit them for this computerized monstrosity, the association of Doctors of the Chennai Alternate Medical Council went for a skip level meeting and got the permission from the Director of the institute. They however could not shut me up with that. By the power invested in me, I brought in a rule which should be printed in the request for prescription/diagnosis form. The rule clearly stated that this computer test is not mandatory for the patient and the patient was asked to inform me if they were forced to undergo this test by the doctors. This rule was written in English, Hindi & Tamil. The association was furious at my cheekiness. However, they could not do anything against me. They took it personally. As far as to me, it is the public that I was concerned about the most and they should not pay unnecessarily for all these riff raffs. I believe that our ancient pulse diagnosis is the most reliable form of diagnosis. This was just an eye wash a smart way to loot the public money. I never gave in to such tactics.

I had very good luck with my patients, rather than administration. I started to work on my thesis, picking patients from right left and center. I decided to find a cure for AIDS. Yes. You read it right. It’s AIDS. I had to use my complete conversation skills, to convince a patient to undergo my treatment. I obviously could not do it alone, so I needed help from one of the other doctors, who had completed the PhD before. Finally, I chose Dr Arun (Name Changed) to help me with this work told that he was a very remarkable man and from my inferences after talking to him, it did seem that he was very remarkable. When I told him about this idea, he was very skeptical, and again, I had to have three lunches with him to see the idea.

The reason I need a partner is that, the patient is to be treated five times a day, at fixed timing, based on the calculation on the change of the breathing cycle. It was complex, and I had just barely begun by second year, and allied chemistry was indeed a nightmare which scared me to death not to mention Zoology, which literally made me puke (by cutting frogs, cockroaches, rabbits, rats etc)

Since Dr Arun was a full time doctor, I asked the patient to get admitted in his hospital. The treatment was going to be expensive and it needed Dr Arun or me administering the dosage intravenously. Perhaps, the most complicated part was to insert four needles at the same time (on the head and the ears) and two needles on the leg. I had to take the help of my mentor, who was to administer this treatment when I was not around. My mentor, being quite a big shot, charges nothing less than 1000 Rs per visit.

Now, I categorized AIDS in three stages, and luckily for me, this guy was in the second stage or the intermediary stage. I had to first contain the HIV from replicating, and had to make him drink 23 different types of herbs. Our first success came along just after 15 days, where the HIV in the blood had actually not risen. It was truly a spectacular moment for me. When I conveyed my results to Dr Arun, he congratulated me that I was on the right path and we were about to create a world miracle.

I was working with Dr Susheela, a dietician in the same hospital as usual, she was advising me to cut the types of food that makes me gain weight. I neither cared, nor bothered. However, something within me irked her to talk to her regarding my new case which was kept under wraps. I told her my recent success and her eyes immediately grew wide. She asked me to bring my notes and findings to her and asked me to meet her for lunch outside (praying that I should not be a vegetable or fruit shop!)

When we met, I described to her the types and variations of the Chinese acupuncture mixed with two other kind of treatments from my other courses. She was amazed by my findings and though she did not understand the complexity, she immediately arranged my with Dr Athula Ariyabala, a leading Sri Lankan doctor, in Acupuncture. She was in Karaikudi (in Tamil Nadu) attending a conference and Dr Susheela arranged a meeting with her or me. I was so immensely pleased that I could meet Dr Athula.

Dr Arun and I decided to do a presentation of our prototypes and variations to her. We both were supremely excited over the prospect of her helping us with this process. The meeting went on successfully. In fact, it went way too successfully. She was amazed at the different types of prototypes I had created and also on my theory of the alternate Qi (also known as energy in Chinese) my study was on how to stop the replication of the virus. I was working on the process of removal. Thanks to my knowledge in Biochemistry, that I was able to get a deep understanding of the HIV and its composition. I know most of you may not understand the technical process, but I am giving little details about this virus. Please be patient and read them, as it is important to understand the complexity of the treatment.

HIV particles surround themselves with a coat of fatty material known as the viral envelope (or membrane). Projecting from this are around 72 little spikes, which are formed from the proteins gp120 and gp41. Just below the viral envelope is a layer called the matrix, which is made from the protein p17 (refer figure below)

The viral core (or capsid) is usually bullet-shaped and is made from the protein p24. Inside the core are three enzymes required for HIV replication called reverse transcriptase, integrase and protease. Also held within the core is HIV's genetic material, which consists of two identical strands of RNA. The coat surrounding the virus (also called as the viral membrane) cannot be broken due to its strength of the fatty acid chain binding each adjacent fatty acid link.

Now, my studies concluded that, to destroy the virus, the wall needs to be broken. This cannot be achieved by any drugs. This can be accomplished by regulation of the blood in the circulatory system. The prototype I designed, worked like this.

1. The needles have to be simultaneously inserted on 9 circulation inducing points.

2. Each needle has to be connected to a mild electric stimulator.

3. There will be a random increase and decrease in the circulation of the blood in the body by using stimulators.

4. A portable laser light will be placed above the patient.

5. A block of ice is kept ready nearby.

6. The body was then subjected to extremes of heat and cold while the blood circulation was induced artificially.

This process however did not break the viral membrane, but what it did, was that it stopped the virus from replicating. Now, I learnt that the membrane cannot be destroyed, but I was trying to find a way to remove the virus from the circulatory system. When Dr Athula saw this, she was stunned by my theory and she immediately arranged for a funding of my research. Dr Arun and I were so much besides joy that our research was heading in the proper direction.

I conveyed to my mentor with the success of the meeting with Dr Athula and he was immensely pleased with me. When I informed Dr Radha, that I was to receive a grant from the University of Alternate Medicines, she was so immensely proud of me. I wanted to break the news to my parents. I wanted to tell them the news. However, Dr radha, asked me to wait till I get an official confirmation from the University. She meanwhile asked me on when I had filed my prototypes. I told her that I was going to file it the very next day.

The very next day, I made a brief report on my prototypes and sent it to the University for Approval for my Thesis for the partial fulfillment of my PhD. Meanwhile, Dr Arun asked me some literature content on my theory, so I lent him my material and findings.

The patient was making very good progress. We managed to stop the replication for two weeks now. He had two wounds which slowly started to heal. He was a diabetic also. This treatment actually controlled his sugar levels also. We were making very good progress on this treatment.

Meanwhile, the “computerized” treatment centers apparently learned my success and they withdrew the cold war with me. Dr Arun and I were offered spaces in many clinics for our research center. We were asked to present our theory and findings at many places Dr Arun visited many places to present our paper, while I was working on the next level on my theory.

I was also offered a complete paid trip to present my paper in the conference at Shangai on the use of advanced classical Chinese Acupuncture, by the Chennai Alternate Medicine Counsel. I was very happy to get this information. I went home to convey my parents the enormity of my success. I had not yet accepted the Invite. I wanted to get their permission first.

I went back home to find it locked. My parents had gone out. However, on the floor of my car park, I found a letter addressed to me from the University. Adrenaline rushed through my body. Here it was, at last, my huge success in my life. I knew this was the official confirmation of the Grant.

My hands were trembling with delight. I opened the letter. As I read the contents, my heart skipped a beat. There must be some mistake. It cannot be. The letter stated that my prototype has actually been filed two days before the day I sent my application for filing. I was taken aback. It cannot be possible. Probably, I had to call them and find out the next morning. I was completely tensed the next day I headed top the council’s head quarters. From there, using my authority as the registrar of the council, I called the University with the reference number of the prototype to find out in whose name, the prototype was filed. After a few minutes, the lady on the other end stated “It’s filed in the name of Dr Arun Kumar, Chennai, Tamil Nadu, India, approved by Dr Athula Ariyabala, for his Post Doctoral research”

My brain went numb. I dropped the receiver in horror and shock. I stood there open mouthed with tears in my eyes. I saw the weekly newsletter (which had the general updates in the alternate medicine industry, and my article was getting published on this issue!) addressed to me on my table and with trembling hands and expecting the worst, I opened the article. There it was, my very own article published neatly under the name of Dr Arun Kumar, Chennai.

(to be continued...)

R.E.F.L.E.C.T.I.O.N.S – Series 1

This blog, I dedicate to my long lost love. She always was proud of me and always made me feel better about myself. Towards the end of the blog, I will tell you my friends, the reason why I wrote this blog. Till then.. Happy reading!! :)

“So, tell me Sathiya, I want to know your background in Alternate Medicines. Tell me about the path you journeyed in Alternate Medicines. I have heard that you have completed a lot of courses in Ayur Veda. So can you tell me?”

“First thing is, I specialized in Acupuncture, not Ayur Veda. Why do you want to know about my path in alternate medicines? “I tried to give a smile. However what came out was a goofy grin.

“The thing is, I know you for about a year now, and I still feel that you are a stranger. I still don’t know about you” she said.

“Well all that you want to know is already in the face book of my department. I showed that to you” I retorted. I slowly started getting nervous. “I hate it when people question my path in alternate medicines. There were a lot of unpleasant activities and unpleasant memories. It has been a terrible ordeal for me to come out of all that. Don’t make me look into the past” I said. I had also sounded rude. Nevertheless, she did not give up. Her face had a determined look. I just was about to get up. Just as I was about to, her slender hand held my thick ones. She had a blazing look in her deep brown eyes. Damn, I thought. I can never say No to her. Why?

I was furious with myself. I tried to remove my hands from her warm hand. “My own parents do not know half the story. How do you expect me to tell you?” I asked her.

“I am not your parent. I am the one with whom you are going to spend your entire life with. It’s important for me that I must know everything about you.” she said. “I always knew you were hiding something from me. I just found out that, this is the one. I want to know” her determined voice began to dig into the depths of my shadowy past. No one dead or alive had known the complete story. Few people had bits of my story. Now here she was, asking me to reveal my shadow past.

I began to tremble. She put her arms around me and her head on my shoulder. I could smell the sweet scent of Dove Shampoo beside my face. Her touch was something special, her warmth was comforting. I have never felt this sensation before. I looked at her deep brown eyes. I could feel her eyes X-raying through me, waiting for me to answer. My sight then went down from her eyes, down to her chest, where a generous amount of cleavage was displayed. My heart skipped a beat. I could see her womanliness beautifully shaped in her green gown which ran up to her thighs. I could see a tiny freckle near her chin. There was complete silence for full fifteen minutes. I slowly shifted in her couch. It was very new to me. I have never been that close to a girl ever in my life. I could feel the adrenaline rushing into my head.

I pushed her away, got up from the couch, and picked a bottle of juice from her fridge. She sat there watching me quietly like a lioness hunting for her prey. I sat opposite her, and told her “Fire away. What do you want to know??”

Her eyes blazed even brighter. She held her hand to me. Instinctively I made a grab for it. She pulled me back to the couch. She looked into my eyes with the same piercing effect and said “Let’s start with your degrees”

I took a paper and penned down...

Prof Dr Sathiya Narayanan, B.Sc, M.D.(Acu), Ph.D., D.Su.Acu., D.A.A., D.C.Acu., D.M.T., D.Y.T., D.N.T., C.F.M., C.C.T., C.P.D., C.G.T., C.Y.I & Visiting Professor.

Her eyes grew wide. “Can you expand these for me?” she asked

B.Sc – Bachelor of Science
M.D.(Acu) – Doctor of Medicine (Acupuncture)
Ph.D – Doctor of Philosophy
D.Su.Acu - Diplma in Su Jok Acupuncture
D.A.A – Diploma in Ayurvedic Acupuncture
D.C.Acu – Diploma in Classical Acupuncture
D.M.T – Diploma in Magent Therapy
D.Y.T – Diploma in Yoga Therapy
D.N.T – Diploma in Neurotherapy
C.F.M – Certified Flower Medicines Practitioner
C.C.T – Certified Colour Therapy Practitioner
C.P.D – Certified in Pendulum Dowsing
C.G.T – Certified Gem Therapist
C.Y.I – Certified Yoga Instructor
Visiting Professor – Chennai Alternate Medical Council

“Wow” she mouthed. I did not know what she saw in me, a fat guy who looks older for his age. “You studied so much? I thought you hate studying!” Man, after seeing all this, I can’t stand near your shadow and you told me that I am more qualified?"

I merely smiled. “They are of no value now. They are not recognized by the Government of India. It’s useless. Besides most of the degrees have been taken away by those who conferred it on me. Few I destroyed it. My MD, PhD, and a couple of diplomas is all that is left. They could not take that from me.” I said. “It is not. It just shows how much you knowledge you posses. But why did they take off your degrees?” she asked, as she clung to me and her warmth slowly relieving me of the stress I worked up when she asked me.

"That's a long story. That is the most painful part in my life. DO you still want me to relate all that?" I asked. "The moment you share it with me, it will be less painful for you. I will help you ease your burden sweetheart. That's why I am here, for you" she probed me.

“We will come back to that later. I know that you were a part of many associations. I was told that you achieved a lot of honors and were in respectable positions in many organizations. I want all those details”

I was stunned. “How on the name of the great devil did you know that?” I asked her. “Radha, told me, when she was suggesting me medicines for my sinus” “Radha?” “Radha Jayakumar? I asked her. “Yeaa. How many Radhas doe we know??” (Radha Jayakumar was working with me in few clinics where I used to practice. She specialized in Ayur Veda and Electro Homeopathy and Homeopathy and a very good friend of mine. She used to treat my women patients for some delicate disorder I could not do, for obvious reasons)

She had obviously grilled and extracted this information from her. I had obviously underestimated this woman.

I went down the memory lane. I remembered that day. How happy I was. I remember walking to the podium to deliver the acceptance speech with my chest puffed high.”I was elected the General Secretary and Chief Practitioner (Chinese Acupuncture) in the Chennai Alternate Medicine Council. I also had an additional responsibility conferred for me. I was also the Secretary in Charge for Post Graduate Examinations & Doctorate Programs. I also was conferred visiting Professor from the All Tamil Nadu Association for Alternate Medicines. I was a visiting Doctor in many clinics. Santoshi Acupuncture Clinic, Dhanwantri Clinic for Alternate medicines, Raj Acupuncture Centre, Institute for Alternate medicine & the Chinese Acupuncture Clinic. I used to visit each clinic weekly, on a rotation basis.

(To be continued....)